Moving from Houston to Oregon
I'm sending this email to a few of you with whom I've begun
to fully express myself, a few who are very close friends,
and a few with whom I've communicated with once in the
past ten years. Yet you all know me, some in different ways
than others. I hope that by sending this email out to
everyone, each with a different view of me, that I might not
only get some feedback from some of you, but that it will
act as somewhat of a catharsis and that by opening my
self so honestly to all of you I will become one step
closer in my ability with being honest with my self.
I am on the edge of either stumbling into a greater truth, or
delusion... but it is so new... so fraught with risk and the
unknown that there are simply no compass points to
navigate with. If you know me, you know that I love to write
letters... particularly when I am in deep contemplation. My
friends know me as someone who is typically unafraid to
venture into new philosophical areas. I've asked one thing
of God(dess) my entire life... to learn and grow. Over the
past year I've learned more and have made great strides.
My prayer has changed... it changed to "make me a vessel
for change".
The change I wanted to make was unknown and a quick
look will turn up too many injustices to list to where I can
easily become overwhelmed with the sheer magnitude of it
all and my inability to change anything. I cannot change
everything and so I must choose my fight. But what fight?
Various exercises that I like to perform (stream of
consciousness writing and such) have shown me that my
heart does not lie in a psychology laboratory. My intellect
loves to grapple with research designs... but my heart is
out in the field and the forest.
I began college solely for the purpose to learn. I had no real
desire for any particular major or end result when I began. I
tried to sign up for every class at first. When I easily made
A's in psychology and was quickly able to debate any
problem and solve it... I chose psychology as my major.
I am rethinking that now.
Psychology has given me an appreciation for how science
works and how it can be used for or against us.
Psychology has also shown me just how "in control" we are
of ourselves, how much control we actually "do not have",
and why we act toward each other in the manner that we
do. However, it has not helped me to love my fellow
(wo)man any more. Long walks into forest at midnight,
meditations, and prayers have all been my guide. My
heroes were once Chesty Puller, and Carlos Hathcock.
Now they include Gandhi, Thoreau, Hill, King.
I stay in college now because my father helps me with the
tuition. And because of this I feel somewhat indebted to
him to complete my degree. Yet my heart is not in a
college in the middle of an urban world studying the
workings of the mind. My heart is in the great forest of the
Rockies, the Cascades, the Appalachians, the Ozarks,
and the Alaskan Interior. I've bought books, read maps,
visited websites, emailed for information, done everything
but moved to the very areas I read about.
As a bartender and as someone who is quick to sit down
next to a complete stranger and ask "what is wrong with
you? How can I help?" I generally find out that people are
not living their dreams. Covey ask the question "what
would you do if you knew you could not fail?" I've asked
people this question and for a moment their eyes shine
and they reccount a dream. I encourage them to go for it...
to live their dream... to "follow their bliss" or "to live
deliberately". Yet for the past three years I've had to ask
this question of myself with no answer.
Until now.
I've scoured five bookstores for a book (the meadow by
James Galvin) for class, all to no avail. I did notice a book
at the last one entitled "the legacy of luna". A courageous
and brave woman named Julia Hill spent two years living in
a redwood to protest logging... never touching the ground.
This woman truly followed her heart. She did not know she
would end up spending two years in a tree... but she lived
her convictions and never wavered in them. I thought as a
marine who has been in Desert Storm with missles tossed
at me like snowballs that I would know what courage was. I
see now that I did not. I am beginning to see what it truly is
now. I now ask myself if I truly have the courage to follow
my own bliss.
That is why I write to you all now. I do not look for social
approval. I place no value upon it. Kant made a good
argument for this stance. In fact social approval is one big
problem faced... people are often afraid to move outside
those boundaries. So do not interpret this as an email
asking you to try to talk me out of anything. I've not yet
decided what I am going to do... but I know what I do not
want to do.
For as long as I can remember I've gained my strength and
solace within the folds of forest. Whenever I have a chance
I am out in Nature... smelling, breathing, feeling. No matter
what my schedule... how many task or demands... hours
spent doing nothing in a meadow is never a waste. Yet my
life has become what may be called a "life of quiet
desperation" in that I am worrying more and more about
paying bills and punching a clock... when I could really care
less about any of them.
My anger at times seethes into a great ball. I want to lash
out at something and yet what do I do? How can I make a
difference living in Houston, working at a bar five miles a
day, going to and fro in my car, silently paying my bills,
buying recycled paper, seperating my bottles, plastics,
etc.. in my trash for the recycling center.
to fully express myself, a few who are very close friends,
and a few with whom I've communicated with once in the
past ten years. Yet you all know me, some in different ways
than others. I hope that by sending this email out to
everyone, each with a different view of me, that I might not
only get some feedback from some of you, but that it will
act as somewhat of a catharsis and that by opening my
self so honestly to all of you I will become one step
closer in my ability with being honest with my self.
I am on the edge of either stumbling into a greater truth, or
delusion... but it is so new... so fraught with risk and the
unknown that there are simply no compass points to
navigate with. If you know me, you know that I love to write
letters... particularly when I am in deep contemplation. My
friends know me as someone who is typically unafraid to
venture into new philosophical areas. I've asked one thing
of God(dess) my entire life... to learn and grow. Over the
past year I've learned more and have made great strides.
My prayer has changed... it changed to "make me a vessel
for change".
The change I wanted to make was unknown and a quick
look will turn up too many injustices to list to where I can
easily become overwhelmed with the sheer magnitude of it
all and my inability to change anything. I cannot change
everything and so I must choose my fight. But what fight?
Various exercises that I like to perform (stream of
consciousness writing and such) have shown me that my
heart does not lie in a psychology laboratory. My intellect
loves to grapple with research designs... but my heart is
out in the field and the forest.
I began college solely for the purpose to learn. I had no real
desire for any particular major or end result when I began. I
tried to sign up for every class at first. When I easily made
A's in psychology and was quickly able to debate any
problem and solve it... I chose psychology as my major.
I am rethinking that now.
Psychology has given me an appreciation for how science
works and how it can be used for or against us.
Psychology has also shown me just how "in control" we are
of ourselves, how much control we actually "do not have",
and why we act toward each other in the manner that we
do. However, it has not helped me to love my fellow
(wo)man any more. Long walks into forest at midnight,
meditations, and prayers have all been my guide. My
heroes were once Chesty Puller, and Carlos Hathcock.
Now they include Gandhi, Thoreau, Hill, King.
I stay in college now because my father helps me with the
tuition. And because of this I feel somewhat indebted to
him to complete my degree. Yet my heart is not in a
college in the middle of an urban world studying the
workings of the mind. My heart is in the great forest of the
Rockies, the Cascades, the Appalachians, the Ozarks,
and the Alaskan Interior. I've bought books, read maps,
visited websites, emailed for information, done everything
but moved to the very areas I read about.
As a bartender and as someone who is quick to sit down
next to a complete stranger and ask "what is wrong with
you? How can I help?" I generally find out that people are
not living their dreams. Covey ask the question "what
would you do if you knew you could not fail?" I've asked
people this question and for a moment their eyes shine
and they reccount a dream. I encourage them to go for it...
to live their dream... to "follow their bliss" or "to live
deliberately". Yet for the past three years I've had to ask
this question of myself with no answer.
Until now.
I've scoured five bookstores for a book (the meadow by
James Galvin) for class, all to no avail. I did notice a book
at the last one entitled "the legacy of luna". A courageous
and brave woman named Julia Hill spent two years living in
a redwood to protest logging... never touching the ground.
This woman truly followed her heart. She did not know she
would end up spending two years in a tree... but she lived
her convictions and never wavered in them. I thought as a
marine who has been in Desert Storm with missles tossed
at me like snowballs that I would know what courage was. I
see now that I did not. I am beginning to see what it truly is
now. I now ask myself if I truly have the courage to follow
my own bliss.
That is why I write to you all now. I do not look for social
approval. I place no value upon it. Kant made a good
argument for this stance. In fact social approval is one big
problem faced... people are often afraid to move outside
those boundaries. So do not interpret this as an email
asking you to try to talk me out of anything. I've not yet
decided what I am going to do... but I know what I do not
want to do.
For as long as I can remember I've gained my strength and
solace within the folds of forest. Whenever I have a chance
I am out in Nature... smelling, breathing, feeling. No matter
what my schedule... how many task or demands... hours
spent doing nothing in a meadow is never a waste. Yet my
life has become what may be called a "life of quiet
desperation" in that I am worrying more and more about
paying bills and punching a clock... when I could really care
less about any of them.
My anger at times seethes into a great ball. I want to lash
out at something and yet what do I do? How can I make a
difference living in Houston, working at a bar five miles a
day, going to and fro in my car, silently paying my bills,
buying recycled paper, seperating my bottles, plastics,
etc.. in my trash for the recycling center.
What would I do if I knew I could not fail?
I would be with the GreenPeace Polar Bears camping out
in Antartica to protest the construction of an oil platform by
BP which expects only 6 months of oil from the site. I
would be in the Alaskan Interior to protest a new pipeline
through the North American equivalent to the Serengetti. I
would be in Washington D.C. next month to protest the
WTO (good job Seattle!). I would find something to do in
Pasadena, Texas with the hazardous air quality in the
area. I would protest G.P. in Crossett, Arkansas and what
has become a shameful clearcutting practice and as well
as what I believe to be hazardous pollutant dumpings in
the region (those of you who know what stink creek is
need not feign surprise). I would be in N. California to
protest the logging of old growth redwood (or any
redwood for that matter). I would be striving to promote
the same tax writeoffs for solar and wind power as the
fossil fuel companies get for their polluting businesses. I
am happy to see the oil hike! I hope it triples in price.
Maybe then we'd get some actual attention paid to
alternate power. I would be in British Columbia protesting
the Canadian governments seizure of tribal sacred lands
for a highway! I would be supporting in any way I could the
re-introduction of wolves into the lower 48 states. The
creation of more National Monuments to prohibit
development in wilderness areas.
I am so sick and tired and filled with complete disgust
over the complet selfishness of American Society that I
cannot begin to control it. The first complaint to come from
anyone is about their jobs. Wasn't anybody else stopped
in the parking lot staring at their car radio in horror last
summer about the news of the rivers in the Eastern U.S.
that have given up dying fish from a virus due to pollution!
What goes first in an ecosystem? The Water! We've
screwed it up! Has anyone else watched the IMAX feature
"blue planet" and wept at the satelite pictures of erosion
due to clearcutting and farming?
I am losing this restraint... these shackles that are keeping
me a quiet member of society, content to shop at Whole
Foods, content to vote for Democrats (which are not much
better than Republicans), content to fill my tires properly
and to drive slower, content to recycle paper products,
content to quit eating all meat products, content to give out
more money to environmental groups annually than I
spend on dates, content to send email after email to the
presidents of companies and governments detailing my
disapproval of some action.
I believe in something bigger than our frail egos can
fathom. I've felt it, I've experienced it, and it has been an
elusive companion. I've been an elusive disciple. I've
asked sincerely to become a tool for change, to live my
life for some greater purpose than to simply come home
to cable t.v. and join a bookclub.
I believe in synchronicity, in unseen forces at work. Call it
God, Universal Spirit, or whatever... but everything has
been preparing me for this. Just as I start to relax a bit in
my fervor... I sign up for some unknown class in college
called literature of place because it is the only time I can
take an english class. The class has acted as a catalyst
and thanks to reading Abbey, Williams, Graves and
Bass... I've started reading others in the field... often
neglecting my assigned readings for the new books.
If karma and reincarnation is what "it" is... then by not
doing this I am perpetuating a lie and will never advance.
If judgement in Heaven is what "it" is... then I will be worth
damning if given the tools, the ability, and the passion to
stop environmental damage. If the Earth is a
manifestation of Pagan creator dieties... then
Summerland will not become my home as I've desecrated
what was holy.
I have two or three semesters left at UH to obtain a
psychology degree. I no longer care about obtaining a
psychology degree. My apartment lease is up. I may or
may not re-up for six months. But I am moving. Where to I
do not know. I begin my search now. I have no car notes to
pay. I have no college bills to pay. I will erase my last
remaining debt in four months. I have many skills. I want to
find the front line and join.
I've read several books on writing personal and
organization mission statements. I've tried it to no real
avail. The key to a mission statement is that it MUST
transcend all of your roles... your family, your professional,
your hobbies, your social groups, everything. If your's
doesn't... there is a mismatch somewhere.
Thank you all for reading this email. If you think me mad...
you are probably correct, but then I could argue that
point!!! (grin)
Eddie Black
I would be with the GreenPeace Polar Bears camping out
in Antartica to protest the construction of an oil platform by
BP which expects only 6 months of oil from the site. I
would be in the Alaskan Interior to protest a new pipeline
through the North American equivalent to the Serengetti. I
would be in Washington D.C. next month to protest the
WTO (good job Seattle!). I would find something to do in
Pasadena, Texas with the hazardous air quality in the
area. I would protest G.P. in Crossett, Arkansas and what
has become a shameful clearcutting practice and as well
as what I believe to be hazardous pollutant dumpings in
the region (those of you who know what stink creek is
need not feign surprise). I would be in N. California to
protest the logging of old growth redwood (or any
redwood for that matter). I would be striving to promote
the same tax writeoffs for solar and wind power as the
fossil fuel companies get for their polluting businesses. I
am happy to see the oil hike! I hope it triples in price.
Maybe then we'd get some actual attention paid to
alternate power. I would be in British Columbia protesting
the Canadian governments seizure of tribal sacred lands
for a highway! I would be supporting in any way I could the
re-introduction of wolves into the lower 48 states. The
creation of more National Monuments to prohibit
development in wilderness areas.
I am so sick and tired and filled with complete disgust
over the complet selfishness of American Society that I
cannot begin to control it. The first complaint to come from
anyone is about their jobs. Wasn't anybody else stopped
in the parking lot staring at their car radio in horror last
summer about the news of the rivers in the Eastern U.S.
that have given up dying fish from a virus due to pollution!
What goes first in an ecosystem? The Water! We've
screwed it up! Has anyone else watched the IMAX feature
"blue planet" and wept at the satelite pictures of erosion
due to clearcutting and farming?
I am losing this restraint... these shackles that are keeping
me a quiet member of society, content to shop at Whole
Foods, content to vote for Democrats (which are not much
better than Republicans), content to fill my tires properly
and to drive slower, content to recycle paper products,
content to quit eating all meat products, content to give out
more money to environmental groups annually than I
spend on dates, content to send email after email to the
presidents of companies and governments detailing my
disapproval of some action.
I believe in something bigger than our frail egos can
fathom. I've felt it, I've experienced it, and it has been an
elusive companion. I've been an elusive disciple. I've
asked sincerely to become a tool for change, to live my
life for some greater purpose than to simply come home
to cable t.v. and join a bookclub.
I believe in synchronicity, in unseen forces at work. Call it
God, Universal Spirit, or whatever... but everything has
been preparing me for this. Just as I start to relax a bit in
my fervor... I sign up for some unknown class in college
called literature of place because it is the only time I can
take an english class. The class has acted as a catalyst
and thanks to reading Abbey, Williams, Graves and
Bass... I've started reading others in the field... often
neglecting my assigned readings for the new books.
If karma and reincarnation is what "it" is... then by not
doing this I am perpetuating a lie and will never advance.
If judgement in Heaven is what "it" is... then I will be worth
damning if given the tools, the ability, and the passion to
stop environmental damage. If the Earth is a
manifestation of Pagan creator dieties... then
Summerland will not become my home as I've desecrated
what was holy.
I have two or three semesters left at UH to obtain a
psychology degree. I no longer care about obtaining a
psychology degree. My apartment lease is up. I may or
may not re-up for six months. But I am moving. Where to I
do not know. I begin my search now. I have no car notes to
pay. I have no college bills to pay. I will erase my last
remaining debt in four months. I have many skills. I want to
find the front line and join.
I've read several books on writing personal and
organization mission statements. I've tried it to no real
avail. The key to a mission statement is that it MUST
transcend all of your roles... your family, your professional,
your hobbies, your social groups, everything. If your's
doesn't... there is a mismatch somewhere.
Thank you all for reading this email. If you think me mad...
you are probably correct, but then I could argue that
point!!! (grin)
Eddie Black
This was an email written to friends and family just before I gave
away most of my belongings, packed up my car, quit my job,
withdrew from school, and drove to nowhere in particular in the
Northwest. I do not want to die and wonder "what if". What use
is a heart if one is not willing to follow it?
away most of my belongings, packed up my car, quit my job,
withdrew from school, and drove to nowhere in particular in the
Northwest. I do not want to die and wonder "what if". What use
is a heart if one is not willing to follow it?
Since I wrote that letter and emailed it out it has been several years as I've done this in the early months of the
year 2000. I started out working with OSPIRG and going door to door to get signatures for Clinton's Roadless
Area Policy, of which I still support and condemn the Bush Administration for attacking. "Anything for a buck"
seems to be the GOP motto. Before You get too angry with me, I voted Green Party the first Bush election and
voted FOR Bush in the second election during which I was in Iraq. I was unemployed more times than I care to
recall in Eugene. I ate handouts from back alleys in the middle of the night. And I came six hours close to being
homeless. I learned that it is one thing to give up everything for a purpose, but that on must also seek to live in
balance and harmony. I am trying to learn this elusive balance still.
When I was going door to door for OSPIRG we found ourselves in a timber community and were not looked kindly
upon. The nicest person to me was a retired Forest worker that disagreed with his former company's practices
for the environment. The rest were not so kind. Yet neither were those on my side of the fence. As the timber
community would slam their doors in my face, my comrades would flip off logging truck drivers on the road. What
would they say of my father, a millwright in a paper mill? As usual I was interested in the thoughts behinds
people's perceptions and attitudes. I began to move from the front lines to the back... trying to figure out common
ground among everyone. I thought, and still do, that if I can find a common ground that it would be far better than
protesting, holding a sign, monkey-wrenching (be careful out there), and what not.
I was unsure of where I was going. People I talked to, in and out of psychology, looked at me like I was speaking
gibberish. Yet I could sense a direction and as I get closer to a degree I am getting closer to finding one. The
Animas institute in Colorado deals with the personal ramifications of wilderness on one's psyche. Jungian
psychology and other depth psychology approaches, as well as mythological studies and environmental
psychology, all attest to the connections between the natural world and a healthy psyche. My own religious
practices in witchcraft (ritualized psychotherapy... HA) has lead to a deeper appreciation and understanding that
there is no separateness between the internal world and the external world. Descartes was, it seems, entirely off
point and could not see the forest for the trees.
year 2000. I started out working with OSPIRG and going door to door to get signatures for Clinton's Roadless
Area Policy, of which I still support and condemn the Bush Administration for attacking. "Anything for a buck"
seems to be the GOP motto. Before You get too angry with me, I voted Green Party the first Bush election and
voted FOR Bush in the second election during which I was in Iraq. I was unemployed more times than I care to
recall in Eugene. I ate handouts from back alleys in the middle of the night. And I came six hours close to being
homeless. I learned that it is one thing to give up everything for a purpose, but that on must also seek to live in
balance and harmony. I am trying to learn this elusive balance still.
When I was going door to door for OSPIRG we found ourselves in a timber community and were not looked kindly
upon. The nicest person to me was a retired Forest worker that disagreed with his former company's practices
for the environment. The rest were not so kind. Yet neither were those on my side of the fence. As the timber
community would slam their doors in my face, my comrades would flip off logging truck drivers on the road. What
would they say of my father, a millwright in a paper mill? As usual I was interested in the thoughts behinds
people's perceptions and attitudes. I began to move from the front lines to the back... trying to figure out common
ground among everyone. I thought, and still do, that if I can find a common ground that it would be far better than
protesting, holding a sign, monkey-wrenching (be careful out there), and what not.
I was unsure of where I was going. People I talked to, in and out of psychology, looked at me like I was speaking
gibberish. Yet I could sense a direction and as I get closer to a degree I am getting closer to finding one. The
Animas institute in Colorado deals with the personal ramifications of wilderness on one's psyche. Jungian
psychology and other depth psychology approaches, as well as mythological studies and environmental
psychology, all attest to the connections between the natural world and a healthy psyche. My own religious
practices in witchcraft (ritualized psychotherapy... HA) has lead to a deeper appreciation and understanding that
there is no separateness between the internal world and the external world. Descartes was, it seems, entirely off
point and could not see the forest for the trees.